Finding a new job after losing one to cancer

FUCK!!!! I'm trying to get a job so I can fix my car & pay my bills but this is really hard! I find it so hard because I got "discharged" (as the applications so nicely put it) from my last one because of problems I was having that were all caused by my awesome cancer *sarcasm*.. I'm a good worker.. I had the second fastest scans (besides my boss, who'd worked there for, like 10+ years or something like that) & my till was never more then a few cents off, if even at all!  So now I need a job & am having a hard time filling out applications because seeing that section causes me to have a panic attack! But I went thru the cancer treatment so this should be a cake walk! Right? Shit... So now I have to go back to my old job place tomorrow & finally spill the beans on what I've been up to for the last 10 months... but I'm all out of my favorite hair ties anyway & have been thinking about going there for more.. Blah! Why does everything have to cost money?? Goddammit!!! I don't want to go back to that store!! But I need a job.. So it looks like I'm going to see my old boss.. FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

Forgetting things can be harder when you actully try

but then when you want to remember things, you forget, like it wasn't important..

Make sure you do everything for the best reasons & not the worst.. Just an example here, not based on my life or anything but still based on real life events.. Don't date someone because they're over 21 & can get you alcohol since you're still way under age or because they can also get drugs.. Again, not based on my life personally.. Another example pulled straight from real life, but still not me personally... Don't get married with the promise of  a better life & money, like, say for financial aid so you can go to collage since you're still to young & don't make nearly enough to pay for it by yourself & still have to use your parent's info .. yep.. Do things because you love them, because you want what is the very best for your life, & because you know 100% its the right thing to do, also think of what your Mother would say/do if she knew what you were doing (unless you have a care free mom that wold let you kill someone & still not care, if your mom would let you get away with murder then you have a crappy mom..)

I really wish I could forget everything I'm unhappy about.. Its really putting me in a down right fowl mood... Growing up, I really thought being an adult would go a hell of a lot better then this for me. Karma really is a bitch.. Damn... I think its wine time.. That typically helps me forget my problems.. & where my shoes are.. which would be a problem if I wasn't drinking, but when drunk, I won't care! Fuck it!

Misery Loves My Company..

I have a lot on my mind & nobody to talk to about it all.. Somethings are not that bad to talk about like my Grandma's cancer came back or I need a Job so I have Money but I want to go back to school way more then I want a job.. but then some stuff is just too sad & depressing to even talk about.. I just don't know.. I want to run away from my life sometimes. Its nothing like what I'd planed on it becoming when I was a teen. The only thing keeping me going is HOPE.. Hope that this will all pass, Hope that things will get better, Hope that I can still fix all the shit I fucked up & got myself here by doing.. Hope, its like Faith, but without the church like tones & positive "it WILL get better" mindset.. My mom said it best, "Hope for the best, But prepare for the worse". In other words, I'm dreading what I need to do to fix things & really just want to avoid a full start over of my life.. Even though I'm pretty sure that's what I need..

Scars Are Sexy!?..

So I was at a fancy store with my mom the other day. She was getting me clearance (I'm poor but like nice things) sexy red pants & the young guy at the register "asked" about my lovely throat scar. It went something like this:
I place my sexy pants on the register
He looks at the pants, looks me over, & his eyes get big. He blurts out "Holy Crap! Is That A Scar!?!?"
I look at him with a blank stare for a moment then realize what he is asking about & nicely smile at him..
He quickly adds "What Happened!?!"
I tell him "I had My thyroid removed," & add a "because I had cancer.." (as in: you wouldn't ask about a bald woman's head because its safe to assume she had chemo but you still don't ask her)
"Whoa!" & his eyes somehow manage to get even bigger then he kinda gets it & trys to help the original subject of scars "I have a scar right here!" he thrust his arm out & shows me his wrist "Somebody stabbed me at a Halloween party last year!! It almost went right thru!"
I tell him "Nice! I like Halloween!"
Then he starts scanning my pants & I add my scar motto "Scars are just a road map of life"
He stops, thinks about it for a second, nods in liking it, & says "That's a really good way to look at it!"
He also broke the store rules & used somebody elses already used coupon to save us even more money.

My mom is convinced he was hitting on me, because, as she said "guys find scars on a good looking girl sexy!".. Okay, I like my mom's way of thinking, Scars are sexy.. & match my new Sexy red pants! He did have a nice sized scar on the top of his arm.. & nice eyes.
*I Am Happily Married! but its still nice to get hit on & girls hit on my husband all the time! I already told you, I like nice things!

unhappily happy

My husband & I have been spending a lot of time together lately. Its pretty nice, except that nothing gets done or taken care of. If I try to get anything done instead of spending time with him, he throws a tantrum. I've needed my breaks changed for three weeks & he said he'd do it but hasn't gotten farther then taking the tiers off. I don't know why I try to count on other people. it just drives me nuts & ruins my faith in people. I feel trapped. I think my husband likes that I can't get up & go on my own free will. He also keeps telling me I should get my old job back. Fuck that! I want to punch him in the throat whenever he says that. He had a nice job & he quit it. He can go fuck up his life & go nowhere but I am not going back to that shit place. They fired me for missing work because I was sick. They can kiss my ass. My husband may mean well but it still pisses me off that he can't except doing something worth wile with life. I need my car fixed so I can get away from him for a bit. also, I want Ice cream. oh yeah, & I need to call to find out when my next doctor appointment is. I know its soon..

As long as you have something to live for..

I've been thinking a lot lately, since I remember at the start of 2012, I thought that was going to be my year! I'd just turned 21, I was newly married, going off birth control, & had a job I thought I enjoyed.. then the year started & it all went south fast. but this year, 2013, started with the cancer, yet this year has been a hell of a lot better.. I have found a new drive in life. I don't want to just be alive, taking up space & air, I want to live, be someone, live for something! I was going nowhere with life & thought I was moving forward, when really I was going nowhere, doing nothing fast. I have found peace without a cell phone. I enjoy the lack of connection with the outside world. people put to much into nothing & don't even see that they are doing so. they see it as something, but really it is not. before cell phones people didn't act as foolish, people are getting stupid & cell phones are getting smarter. That is backwards! take the time to detach from things, the internet, the media, other peoples pointless life, just go outside! Enjoy the sun! Spend time with your friends, face to face, everyone dies! You never know when the time will be up, but make the most of the time you have before we go back to the earth! If you have something to live for you will live! If you are no longer living, you will die & You can die without even knowing it. You become shut in, doing nothing, affecting nobody, dead to the outside world. working a pointless job where nobody cares about you, someone else could replace you in no time. Make a point to be known, to your friends, to your family!

This is just a start to my theory on life. you find a new drive to live when you have to face the thought of really dieing. not that stage 3 thyroid cancer has a high death rate, but just being told you have cancer will take your mind there, even if you see the information saying that you won't die, you hear cancer & think the worse but its like a cleansing of the mind, it really helps you get your shit in order, you figure out what you did wrong & what you want to do before you die. I made lists, tons of lists. my hopes, my dreams, a bucket list, every kind of list, I made! But now that the treatment is over I must do everything I wrote down! I have to accomplish everything I cried over in order to make up time lost to being sick, working a job I hated, living out life nothing like I wanted to! Call me selfish, but I have to be the me I wanted to be but wasn't for the sake of others! Thankfully I love to help others, so I'm not that selfish! But I will not give up my dreams & goals for someone else to not live out theirs & just waste my time. that, I cannot do! Find something worth living for & you won't have time to care about dieing. Then when you look back on life, you'll be proud & content to die. (side note, I'm not at all close to having everything done on my list so I don't plan on dieing any time soon!)

Shit Happens, a lot, but after everything, it won't bring me down! to much..

So I haven't posted in a while because my laptop crashed & my phone can't post.. oh & I don't have a phone any more but who really needs a phone! Okay, really I hate not having a phone & its only been two days, it sucks! but at least my husband can't blow up my phone all the time when he is mad about nothing & I'm trying to ignore him, best part about not having a phone!

I had my radiation capsule treatment! That was all kinds of untold awful. The people at the hospital forgot to tell me that as well as avoiding people for five days, I'd get a digestive cleans from hell. That shit fucked up my insides. But hey, really! I see no point in mentioning that.. assholes.. I couldn't eat for days, even after I was safe to interact with people. It was not very fun, but hey, shit happens. I got to try & keep from throwing up for a week & had radioactive pee for three days! Plus I got my green card out of everything! (& not the kind that says I'm an American, I was born here) I use it responsibly!

After treatment I got to start taking my thyroid medication again & had to get another full body scan 24 hours after I was "safe". Its like being a piece of paper going thru a scanner (waves of radiation nausea!). Good news is it came back negative! So I'm good! except that I owe the hospital a shit ton of money (like over a grand & that's after my health insurance).... I did pay off my Target credit card with a chunk of my tax return! (it was only $350..) but I'm frickin' broke again & my husband & I are back to always fighting.. so its almost like the cancer never happened! Well, besides the fact that I have to take my thyroid medication... & I have a sexy new scar across my neck.. oh, & I don't have a job.. But I'm content, I love my life, just not being broke & living with people. I hate living with people. they invade my space, mess with my shit, & eat my organic food. I didn't buy a $5 pint of strawberry yogurt so my little brother could eat it.. Lil' Mo'Fo' can get a newspaper delivery job or dip into his weekly allowance savings if he wants to eat fancy organic food! (he is only 11..)

That brings me to my next thing, my little brother keeps getting involved with my husband & my fights.. Its annoying! But I think its because he doesn't want to lose the only male figure in his life. I love that kid, so I won't leave my husband.. but only for my brother.. & the fact that I got my hormones back! But for real, I do love my husband. He does nice things for me, but doesn't act like a grown up.

I married someone 5 years older than me because guys my age are immature & stupid, then I found out its just all guys. Its to bad I'm married & my best friend has a boyfriend & a baby.. not the baby, just the boyfriend.. we could totally have lived together. she has OCD, like me, & tries her best to keep everything clean & organized, like me! Plus her daughter is so cute! I'm cool with having a roommate with such a cute baby!

I planted a Herb & a rose garden at my mom's house last week. I had a hard time when we went shopping for it because it made things feel more permanent then I like. We moved to be a temporary thing, then Hubby quit his job as soon as I got the free & clear (for three months) from the doctors. He was having issues with some of the nurses he worked with but instead of being an adult about it, he just quit like he had some other way to make money. I think it is stupid. Oh well, I'll just go to school & worry about myself, like I always do. People piss me off. I grew up counting on myself & now that I'm married I have a hard time counting on someone else. I'm really bad at it. I prefer to be in total charge of my life & being married is having someone else's life to stress about too, & its nothing like having kids! You can just pick them up if they start to have a melt down in the middle of the store! Though I have learned if I drive there, then he'll keep it together just a little bit better so I don't leave him there.

Another fun thing I did well away from my blog, I got to go see my family this weekend! It was a very nice (!!husband free!!) time! My mom, lil' bro, & I went to see my grandma for mother's day! I drove separate & got to spend an extra night at my grandparent's house, & stopped at my aunt Deb's house to sew on the way home! Only I can't really see at night to drive (I don't want to risk driving in the dark because I've gotten very lucky with my poor driving & have never gotten a ticket *knock on wood* I need to get new glasses this weekend.. my old ones were 6 yrs old & just fell apart on my face well I was driving a few months ago..) & we ended up hanging out for so long I just ended up staying at my cousin Micky's house for the night. I got to meet her new little girl & hang out with her son. It was a lot of fun! OH! & I finally got to see "Hotel Transylvania" in the morning with her & the kids! Sadly I had to head home for another doctor appointment (my surgery fallow up check in thing with the surgeon guy).

He said I'm healing very well, my shoulder & neck muscle strength is "great", I suck at avoiding the sun since I have a ton of energy so I have to put stuff on it (I forgot what the stuff was he said, I'm a good patient like that!), & have been taking my thyroid medicine all wrong (again) but I don't have to see that doctor/surgeon guy again until January 2014! So that's cool! next up is the *NEW* (my old one might have died & I'd only seen him once but he looked rough!) thyroid medicine doctor person in July!

I just keep reminding myself about school sign up so I don't run far far away till July.. yep, life is pretty good right now. I have to go meet with a financial aid hospital person again tomorrow to get help with all of my medical bills so even that isn't bringing me down! That is another cool thing, because I got cancer at 22 & lost my job, the hospital has some sort of financial grant stuff to help me pay my copay bills, cause dis' bitch is broke! Now I just need to figure out how to make money for other stuff like food & gas for my car, oh, & car insurance.. you won't find me riding dirty! & maybe a new phone.. To bad I cant sell my eggs for two years.. apparently nobody wants radioactive eggs.. does that count as discrimination?

Moving forward from looking back on my life

Well, its 4:10am & I can’t sleep so I’ll start this week’s post…..

Oh! I know! I was going to tell about myself.. or, well, my old self.. like before my health went crazy & I started to sleep a lot & had no energy & I had to see doctors & get tests done every week & well.. all the stuff going on right now..

I was an extreme couponer, like the crazy ladies you saw on the show, only I’ve grown up in a family doing it so, it was never really a need “need” but more of a hobby if you will.. like something to do that helped myself, family, friends, & homeless living things of both two & four legs.. so, that is where the “ready for the Zombie Apocalypse” & the fact that my body kinda crapped out on energy from “the cancer bomb” comes from.. anywho, I had a stock pile.. I also forget that most people don’t have one in their house.. but really, everyone should!!! Okay, maybe not everyone.. but most everyone should! It turned out to be a good thing too, because when my energy dropped & I quit grocery shopping, we still had enough food & toilet paper to make it thru till my husband got his job back & could afford to just sale shop without all of my wonderful coupons to help (we made it almost three months!!! Go me..). I still have more cleaning supplies, air fresheners, & BBQ sauce then I know what to do with.. & an entire cupboard for just for coffee, peanut butter, & jelly…. I love PB&J’s & thankfully that stuff has a very long shelf life!

I had a subscription to the Sunday paper, then even after that was gone, I still got the Sunday paper from the store every week! Then I feel a month behind on clipping out coupons & looking at the sales adds.. so I quit getting the paper because I saw no point in wasting it.. I just didn’t have the energy to clip the coupons & find the sales & match up what coupons would double where to get whatever was free & all that jazz. I just wanted to curl up & sleep. Looking back now, I don’t really know how I didn’t find that very concerning, but then when all I really wanted to do was sleep, I suppose I wasn’t thinking about that..

 Lesson learned

Solution:

FAMILY & FRIENDS!!

If this ever happens again,

Please,

Be concerned!

Tell me!

I’ll be too sleepy to think of it myself!!

Thank you!

Moving on.

I really like staying in my old room. I have all of my art, strange stuff, & posters hanging from the ceiling & walls still. It has been very re inspiring to me. I used to paint, make things, decorate, & dress up. I’d been getting old & boring. Now I’m still old & boring, but I want to go back to school & work on my art & business goal so I can someday open my own tattoo shop! (quite possibly far, far away from here.. I hate this yuppie town of overpaid boring people.. or more interesting people just need to take over this town? I do love the Alden B. Dow house & all of our art history.. I’m just not really fond of the asshole people that want this to be like Stepford wives & shit) my room is very reflective of me. The bed looks like a small child might sleep in it. There is an overflowing pile of stuffed pigs at the foot of the bed. I have a sesame street comforter & a pink fairy pillowcase, when that’s in the wash I have an owl woodland set from Target that did, as a matter of fact, come from the children’s bedding section. There are a few throw pillows of Jack Skelington’s head & a random ghost.. I collect Halloween stuff, so there are bats hanging from the ceiling (from my “sweet 17” birthday/moving out celebration, random fact!) & in my blanket covered window.. There are over a hundred dried roses all together, everywhere you look you’ll see a bouquet of them! I find them prettier dead & preserved then alive. Everything has to die at some point, I think they help me remember that. I have pictures collages of my siblings, nephew, then boyfriend/now husband, & ME!! Almost every picture is with me or just of me, by myself. I kinda love myself, I get it from my dad, though lately I don’t want to look at my sad, bloated, foreign self. I’d rather just remember how I looked. Then, when I’m all better, admire the “new me” if you will. So it works out to be surrounded by all of my old pictures. My husband isn’t like me at all. He finds my taste in the strange & “abnormal” (god, I hate that term.. who gets to say what is normal?) rather, well, just that: strange & abnormal… but to me, this is normal! This is what I love. This is what I need to feel alive & inspired! Not sick, pale green walls, a high ceiling, & multiple uncovered windows to let in more light. No! That, to me, is awful!!!

In high school I took interior design. I really liked that class.. the teacher wasn’t fond of me.. I still have all of my stuff from the class in my art binder of random things I’ve drawn over the years. There are also clothing designs I made way back when too. Super hero sketches. More shredded hearts then mentally healthy (my favorite painting is of one of my shredded hearts, but I made it in middle school so I really need to hurry up & paint a new one.. it’s been ten years since I painted that one) & a few drawings of bats.

I really like bats. I feel they are misunderstood. Its more often you hear about a bird attacking someone for their food then you do about a bat trying to kill someone.. but people are more afraid of the bats.. also, Rabies, cats & dogs can get rabies too & so can people! So HA! Bats are fucking awesome. Female bats have been seen giving male bats a blow job during sex. Yeah! They like sex too! Bet you didn’t know that! A male dog will just hump whatever wherever! But people still like them!! Now, don’t get me wrong, I like dogs too, even after getting bit in the face by one, I still love dogs. Just not male dogs, but then, I’ve never been fond of male dogs, so really nothing has changed about my feelings towards dogs.

I had a dog. Her name was Misty. She was hit & killed the morning after Valentine’s day last year. Just two weeks after I’d got bit in the face. & if anyone was wondering, I asked that the dog that bit me not get killed, & is alive to this day, because I would never want someone to ask for my dog to be killed. Not sure how Karma fucked that one up, but that’s life, & it sucks. I really miss my dog. The person that hit her didn’t even stop, just kept driving, like nothing happened. The only thing I’ve ever hit with my car was a deer & where I live, it happens far to often. But still, I stopped my fucking car & made my husband come make sure the poor thing wasn’t just laying there suffering!!! Then over the summer I spent three hours going door to door with a lost dog I saw running in the same spot on the road that I’d hit the deer (& stupid people honking at it, like the dog was supposed to understand what they meant with their horns.. people are fucking stupid. Dogs don’t drive cars.. they don’t understand what the damn horn is for..) Again, really not sure how Karma fucked that one up.. but since finding out I have cancer, I remembered something. Misty had cancer, she got this huge lump in her tongue & we had it cut out. She licked her stitches out & people were always freaked out by my dogs tongue.. They’d tell me “I think your dog bit its tongue, there’s a chunk missing”.. No shit, it’s not bleeding all over the place, obviously its healed, I’m fully aware she is missing some of her tongue, she had cancer.. but thanks none the less.

When I first found out about my cancer I remember thinking I’d like to just go die alone under the porch, like the good old family dog would.. Not bother anyone else with this.. let nature take its course & let everyone else keep living, unaware of what was wrong. Then I remembered Misty, not that I’d forgotten her in less than a freaking year! I mean I remembered that she’d had cancer before & that we’d found a new lump on her back leg, that we’d scheduled to have removed in just a few weeks. I think she knew I had cancer too, (dogs know that kinda shit, I know, odd that they know that kinda shit, but not what a car horn means..) so instead of bothering us with herself, she just went for a walk & stepped out in front of traffic. I know how it all went down since there was snow on the ground & I could literally retrace her last journey to the end of her life, but not figure out just why she’d done it.. It’s a shitty thought to have.

 I’d have rather spent thousands of dollars I didn’t have on getting her cancer taken care of & find out I also have to spend thousands of dollars I still don’t have on myself getting my cancer care, over her killing herself only to still find out that I have cancer. I really miss her. I sat out in the snow for a few hours with her that day I had the thought. She’s buried under her favorite tree in the back yard here. Maybe Karma didn’t have anything to do with her death. Maybe it was just Misty’s way of trying to look out for me, like the good old family dog she was. I really wish I didn’t have cancer. I often wonder how my doctors (yes, multiple doctors as in the one I’d had as a teen, then my new doctor I got as an “adult”) missed that large of a mass growing in my neck for that long… Maybe Misty wouldn’t have gone for her last walk. I fucking hate my doctor.. I hated her before all of this & I hate her even more now. & it wasn’t even her that got alarmed & came to the obvious conclusion of me needing to go get all the testing either, it was her nurse. Her nurse, that filled out my monthly charts when I came in.. She pulled my doctor aside & had to tell the fat bitch to address an obvious problem going on with me.

I need to change the subject since I’m getting to upset by that one. I’m looking forward to this all being just another bad memory. Over time, compressing it down until it’s forgotten. Well, not forgotten, I have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of my life, so obviously it will be a daily reminder of this all, but maybe like getting bit by the dog. Thinking back on it now, just a little over a year later I can’t remember the pain like it was. I know it hurt like fuck, but when I think about it, my face doesn’t hurt, just at the simple thought alone. I see the scar every day. Just under my left eye. I don’t mind it. It’s a part of my face now, nothing to hide or cry over. Just part of my life’s road map, of how I got this far. I have one on my neck now too, where my thyroid once was. It’s better off gone. It didn’t work right anyway (lol). So I guess I look forward to getting back to moving on with my life. Going back to school so I can open my kick ass tattoo shop, working on my sewing skills so I can make cute baby stuff, getting all my shit in order so when its “safe” for my husband & Me to try having kids again I’ll have accomplished a lot with my life & can be a stay at home crunchy mom, fighting for the planet & cloth diapering my home water birthed, breast fed babies. After all, Misty would tell you, I’m an awesome mom!

It is now 7:20am so with that I’ll simply say Good morning!

This Waiting game never ends

Well we’re waiting on my surgery (if you can tell time & have a calendar you should know from my last post that January 30^th has come & long gone.. I know, you’re getting ahead of me.. just slow down, I’m sorry, I’m going over that last six months in *hopefully* two blog posts, just keep reading & don’t rush me, it didn’t work for me when I tried to rush the Doctors either they still take their sweet time.. just let me type) I’ll tell you about what I was thinking, doing, & also a few things that I left out or mixed up in my last post.. Let’s back track first!

I’d had the same job for two years (the one I was trying to save with the ADHD medicine, yeah, that job..) & was missing a fair amount of work with all the crazy shit going on in my personal life.. I’d decided to start a backup plan & make baby stuff from home to sell online.. I got some stuff to get it going then lost my job on December 1^st.. Then on December 10^th I was supposed to get my biopsy, only I got the day & date mixed up & found out two hours late on the 10^th that it was “today & not tomorrow” so I had to reschedule it.. I could have found out sooner, but it’s all in the past & really I see no point in focusing any extra thought on that fact simply because a small gap of 17 days wouldn’t have changed my final outcome.. on the up side of this I get to take legal action against my former place of work since they knew I was undergoing pre diagnostic testing & wasn’t doing so good, they should have offered me a medical leave, not all out canned me.. Whatever, their loss, my gain!

My CT scan: I’d just kinda mentioned it last time but after some thought, I think I should share about it so if anyone else has to go thru it then they will kinda know what to expect.. the guy tells me it will burn & feel like I peed my pants when the contrast dye goes in.. I think to myself “it can’t be that bad..” & it fucking is! That shit burns! & you really do feel like you’re peeing yourself! But then you also have the peace of mind that it is only a feeling & not really an action! & you can’t move to help deal with the burning.. you just have to lay there well you feel like you’re being burned thru your veins Just thought you should know too, because until I was told, there, on the spot! I’d never known that part before, so know you know too, if you ever have to get one done, & also you have to take out all of your metal so it doesn’t mess with the scan & get fuzzy in spots.. Also good to know before you get there..

Oh, & the quick edit from the last post, I was reminded that the nurse only told me as bland & un-informal as all get out that there were “a few very bad lymph nodes” on my scan & when I asked her for more info, she didn’t know because she was just running the message along from the doctor, thru her, to me.. Still not very helpful.. The shit that added to my nightmare that day was the pre surgery call you have to make.. They force you to face the fact that you might die in surgery.. well, ok, not force, but they ask you shit like, would you like any church, priest, rabbi, monk, saint, or Jesus himself be contacted OLNY IF NEEDED??? & you think “wholly shit, she is asking me if I want them to call my church if I die during this!!!!” or at least that is what I thought.. so I told the nice lady what church I used to go to, way back when I still believed in god, (& had just started going back to for the sake of wanting to make up with the big G for all the time I’d dismissed him just in case I did die) Next She asks if I have a will.. oh, shit.. I don’t.. So I ask her if I need one? She says it is not mandatory to have & can tell I’m freaking out in my head, even though I haven’t started freaking out, out loud.. then she asks if I have stuff set up like do not resuscitate or any of that & I tell her that I don’t care what it takes, they’re allowed to do whatever the fuck it takes to make sure I get thru this shit alive, they could jump on my chest if needed! She even laughed a little at that one.. good, I like having someone to laugh at my save my life at all cost joke, that would be why I made it (no really, you may laugh, it is healthy to laugh!) then we finish up the dyeing possibility Q&A & I call my best friend to laugh with me for a bit to help me cope but then we have to say our goodbyes & I’m left to my thoughts.. with nobody to laugh about my spread cancer news or scary fact I could die in surgery  jokes anymore.. & I feel scared!

I slept a lot over the next few weeks, not that I was tired, but because I didn’t like being awake & thinking about having cancer.. it was easier to ignore everything if I was sleeping, I could dream about anything! That window of time is honestly a foggy blur I’d been blocking out because that is how I was mainly coping, thru denial in the day & grieving alone with my tears well my loved ones lay sleeping & completely unaware at night. My sister came to see me at some point in there & she worked on my dreadlocks.. I am very thankful, even though I barely remember it. My husband had gotten his job back, my mom works full time, my friends all have kids, & my sister lives an hour away, so what time they spent on me means a lot, same with my aunts, other friends, & family that called, texted, or messaged me to keep positive thoughts.

My aunt Deb lives a few hours away & made plans to come see me the night before so she could just be there for me that night, see me off to surgery in the morning, & be there when I came to. The night before surgery, we talked about sewing machines, my life up till now, & stuff I have forgotten, but most importantly, we talked! That all helped me to keep forgetting just what I was about to go face before the sun even came up the next day.. Then she needed sleep & I needed to get ready get ready…

Then it hit me, like a truck on an ice slicked road, as I was taking out my body jewelry & getting ready to take a shower, that I was about to get cut open & taken apart

But just as I had the day I went in to get the news, I did my best to keep a straight face, even smile a little, & find hope that everything was going to be fine! When it was time to go, I put my overnight bag in the car since I’d be cashing at the “H hotel” if you will, for the night after my surgery.

Now shit gets real.. real hard to think about.. real scary.. real.. I really do have cancer. That kind of real.. where you don’t want to wrap your head around it, but you’d lose your mind if you didn’t except that it is, in fact, real since up till then I’d just cried or ignored it..

January 30^th

I’m sorry

I don’t remember that day

Okay, I do & I’ll tell you

But I wish I didn’t have to remember that day

Or at least just forget that morning

But I can’t

My aunt. Husband, & I said a prayer for a good surgery & everything to go well, for me to be brave & nothing go wrong.. my mom had to drop my little brother off to school but she’d taken that day, & all the way till next week off of work & would be there before I went in to surgery. They called me back to get ready, my husband came with me.. The lady asked the same questions they’d asked me over the phone all over again.. I hate how they do that.. I’m sick of telling them everything over & over & over again & again & again.. then she told me I’d get my gown, mesh panties made for a giant, & ugly grip sock, get dressed, my mom & aunt could came back & wait with me, then she would place my IV...

I got dressed & sat there waiting for her to come in with my loved ones by her side.. but then she came in alone.. & placed my IV.. & I figured it was no big deal, she’d just go get them next.. then her & my husband.. my stupid husband.. talked about giving me something for the stress, to, you know, help calm me down… then this guy comes in & tells me he is here to drug me.. okay, cool, just make sure the next line of people you bring in here has my mom & aunt in there.. He give me the drugs & I start to feel heavy, my mind gets cloudy.. but that is ok since my husband is right here by my side.. he’s got my back.. or so I thought..

The man & lady that had both put shit in me, well my family sits waiting to see me off, come in & tell me that IT’S TIME!! They’re here to take me off to be cut open.. & the mental clouds part in my mind! I lost it! I started freaking out about seeing my mom & aunt.. & my stupid fucking husband is trying to hold me down.. Then the fucking guy with the evil, head clouding, body weighting drugs gives me another dose! & I’m screaming now! I don’t need more drugs, I just need my family, but the second syringe has been pushed into my veins.. All I want is people I can trust, to stop anyone from drugging me up even more.. & my wonderful husband goes running, literally RUNNING to get my mom & aunt well the mad house goes on in my room.. Then the three people I love & have wanted by my side the whole time are there! Only I’m so worked up about the trauma I’ve just been put thru that it isn’t peaceful & nice.. It’s depressing & scary, that this might be how they have to remember me for the rest of their lives..

I forgive my husband to a point. He works in a hospital. That is his job, holding down the crazy people well they unwillingly get medicine.. he just went about it in a very non Husband way when I needed him to stay in husband mode, not work mode.. He still laughs about everything, but I must just except it & move on, like I did well writing this.

Then it really is show time. they wheeled me off thru the doors & into the room where they gas you with the mask & tell you count back from ten!

ten….

nine…..

eight………

sevennnn……………..

I’m sorry, but I have no clue what happens now & for the next 6 hours.. just that my family waited, my husband paced the floors & wouldn’t eat, then ran off to find the surgeon as soon as my number switched from surgery to recovery, leaving mom & aunt to try finding him, mid conversation with the surgeon & later unwilling to tell me what the hell I’d just been thru. Also, they made a trip to the gift shop! I know because they gave me a card, candy, flowers, & a ring (I love jewelry!) then kinda filled me in on everything I’ve just told you, also they showed me a picture of my thyroid!

God willing I figure it out, here is the picture!

Okay, on a side note, I did get my surgery report so I do know what happened well I was under a bit better but we aren’t there yet so slow down! Lets enjoy my battle scar & awesome painkillers! I’ll tell you that part when I get to it!

I remember starting to come to, being wheeled to my room, moved from the operating recovery bed to the adjusting bed in my room, & pushing the buttons to move it before the nurse could even tell me how since laying down really hurt.. I remember it made me feel like Darth Vader, when they turn the table upright at the end of the movie.. I think my family came in right around then.. I was apparently really white & looked dead when they first saw me. I made my husband come help me adjust the bed more (& hand over my nose rings so I could quickly put them back in..), & the nice student nurse find me more pillows to put around my neck & shoulders. Oh, yeah, & I was STIFF! I couldn’t turn my head left. My face, chin, & chest were numb.. & something was wrong with my feet. They hurt, like they’d fallen asleep, died, got stabbed with pins & needles from hell, & went into a coma on my legs!! But I’d just woke up after surgery so I didn’t think to address anything. Just lay stiff, in my comfortably adjusted bed, well my mom, aunt, husband, & hospital staff talked around me. Wait, no, to me, or, well, more at me, that’s a better description.. well they all talked at me & I did my best to understand words.. not that I didn’t understand words, but the meanings of what they were telling me since I was in no mental or physical state to deal with anything, let alone hear what I had going on.. I remember saying that as long as my husband or mom understood then we were good since I was way to groggy.

I remember when my surgeon came in to see me & said he was glad to see I was “awake, responsive, & alert” (hahahaha.. ah, I so was not alert & I was barely responsive, but it’s funny to me none the less). I remember he shook my husband’s hand & I got confused because he didn’t shake my hand.. he always did at the start & end of every one of my appointments I’d had.. then after some thought (ok, maybe a lot of thought, time was of foreign knowledge to me) I remembered I was not only stiff but had tubes sticking out of my hand & arm so I really was in no shape to even try shaking hands..

I remember them bringing me medicine, of what kind, I don’t know. I had my family posting, texting, & calling to pass along that I was alive & well since I was in no shape to do so myself. So & so told me so & so says such & such & love me lots. At some point my mom had to go get my brother from school & my aunt had to go home too.. (I totally do not remember anyone leaving or coming back). But they brought me my mail. I received a care pack from my aunt Cindy. She sent me tea, apple sauce, puddin’, coupons, a hot/cold pack, a 2 pack of fuzzy grip socks, a magazine, a Sudoku book (I have no clue how to do Sudoku, but it’s the thought that counts), & a book titled after what I’d told my family I had: “THE C-WORD” by Lisa Lynch. It was her story of her cancer journey. It took my breath away..

Quick flashback/update: When I told my family & closest friends the positive test results, I simply told them about my “lumps & bumps”. My husband pointed out to me that they needed to know what I was telling them, so I sent out a fallow up message that said something like “& just to be clear, it is “the c word”, but we don’t use that because “lumps & bumps” aren’t as scary!”. They all agreed, “Lumps & Bumps” sound better than cancer (now you get the “lumpsandbumpssoundbetter”). & in this book Lisa Lynch did kinda the same thing only she called it “the bullshit” instead of “the c word”. I’d started reading it after I got home & decided to go on her blog in hopes of seeing her living out the happy life she’d wanted to, but had to put on hold & wrote about in the book, only to find that “the c word” was back, in her brain & bones.. then I most recently found out that she passed away last Monday, the 11^th. She was the inspiration for my blog, in the hospital. Because I wanted to share my thoughts & feelings on all of this from my point of view, like she’d done. I was very sad to find out she’d passed away. She was & still is an amazing inspiration. Also, her book is very good, I highly recommend it!

Ok, back on track.. where was I? I think it was dinner time. Room service is awesome!!! I got eggs, mashed potatoes, & soy milk then only ate three bites before I hurt to bad & needed more pain killers.. I asked the nurse for painkillers, she said okay, then disappeared for a few hours (I’m not just saying this, she really did disappear, & left me waiting for almost three hours, my mom watched the clock) I’d started to cry.. bad move.. that was the most painful cry of my life!! Don’t cry if you’ve just had your neck taken apart all the way around, down your chest, & up under your jaw.. it hurts really bad, then add the pain from lack of painkillers, & you get pure awful, like you want to die cry! My mom voiced that she was upset the nurse vanished & my husband stepped out quickly to find someone & make them drug me. This time I was totally okay with that!! The nurse reappeared & gave my something for pain in my IV- that fucking BURNED & made me cry even more! I really wish I’d gotten that nurse’s name, she’s a cunt. The student nurse was really nice though!

I went to sleep for a bit, got woken up at shift change to meet my night nurse (she was nice) & get more drugs, then passed back out. I had to wake up for a second in the middle of the night to take more medicine & quickly passed back out again.

I woke up for the day just as the kitchen opened. I love breakfast! I ordered PANCAKES!!!! Along with eggs, mashed potatoes, & soy milk.. the lady taking my order laughed & told me she’d never had anyone ask for that combo together ever before.. but I’m just unique like that, & wanted a combo of stuff I knew I could eat.. I love pancakes (if you couldn’t tell from my excitement) & with the help of my awesome morning painkillers I ate everything with no problem!! I messed around on the free internet for a bit, & my mom got there for the day. Then the nice student nurse & everyone else started bugging me about walking around.. I did not want to.. I was stiff.. but they wouldn’t leave me alone until I did so I made a quick jog, on my tippy toes since my feet still hurt, holding my IV poll & sexy hospital gown the whole way! (Now would be a good time to mention I had brought my own PJ shorts & had on a bra already too. Oh! & my rainbow monster fuzzy slippers!!! They make me smile!!) After two or three laps, & a quick weight check, I got back in bed & went back to sleep.. yep.. that jog kicked my ass!

Nurse cunt woke me up to give me more pain pills, an IV injection, change the IV fluid bag, take my temperature, & blood pressure then do what she did best & disappeared for most of the day. I didn’t mind, the student nurse was nice & checked in on me, finding nurse cunt if I needed something she couldn’t get me, or her supervisor if nurse cunt just didn’t show up to help..

My surgeon stopped in to see me in the around lunch time (I don’t remember what I got, but I think it was pancakes & mashed potatoes.) & see how I was feeling. I told him about my feet hurting & how I still felt like shit, also that I was really hot (I was down to just my bra & PJ shorts by then), & asked if there was any way to make to room cooler, but everyone else said they were freezing in my room. So we decided to play it safe & have me stay a second night. Later, a caseworker from the hospital came to tell me about some assistance program I qualified for to help with the hospital bills, since I’d lost my job coming into all of this & what have you. Cool.

My mom left to get my brother from school, my husband’s dad & niece came to see me, also his sister’s boyfriend (since he works at the hospital).. I just played on the computer well they were there since I was pretty drugged up & attempting to interact with people wasn’t really very interesting to me (sorry I ignored you guys..).

At some point the student nurse came in with her teacher supervisor lady & they emptied my gross drain bulb thing I’d repined to my bra (lol, sexy!) oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I had this rubber tube sticking out of my neck, they’d placed when they were sewing me up “in surgery” that had a little rubber bulb on the end for gross shit to run into.. There was a cap on it & it popped open at one point that day because nurse cunt never emptied it & it was full.. That was scary to me.. I didn’t know what to do but thankfully my husband did.. I was just freaked out that I’d somehow get an air bubble or some shit in my neck from it.. you think some strange shit on painkillers.. what can I say..?

My sister came to see me & brought my favorite person in the world!!! My 2 year old nephew, Xandyr!!! She also gave me jelly beans! Xandyr was good, he liked playing with the buttons on the bed to move it up & down.. till My husband did it, then Xandyr wanted to get off the bed.. Damn husband.. Xandyr decided he was over the visit soon after & they headed out.

I had turkey, mashed potatoes, & soy milk for dinner. Was drugged for the night, & went to sleep until they came & did the midnight wake up to check everything. I had a temperature, so they gave me stuff for that along with the other medicine, then let me go back to sleep.

Second morning went kinda like the first, only I was more than willing to get out of bed & run around the hospital floor since I’d spent almost all of the day before in bed. Nurse cunt was still my day nurse *uhg* but then so was student nurse! So it was ok.. my IV had gotten twisted in my hand & hurt me, & when I asked nurse cunt to take it out, she gave me more burning pain killers thru it before taking it out.. she really was a cunt. I started packing my things & getting ready to go home!! my surgeon stopped in to see me around lunch again & was happy to see I felt better & wanted to leave. After he’d gone, the student nurse & her teacher came in to remove my drain..

If you’ve ever had to have 2 inches of tube pulled out of you, I feel your pain.. that shit is gross & painful! You feel it coming all the way out.. & my surgeon had put it in there really nice.. to the point of making it difficult to remove.. they had to play with it a bit to get the stitches holding it in, out.. thank god I was on drugs.. they told me “take a deep breath.. now exhale”. I don’t think I took a big enough breath.. she was still pulling it out when I’d finished the exhale. It was nice to not have it pinned to me anymore! I was tube free!! So I decided to take a shower! (or at least try) it was pretty pitiful. I just stood there, it hurt too much to really wash so I just rinsed off really & got dressed to go home!!

When it was time to finish getting ready to go, nurse cunt came in to tell me about my medication I’d need & the do’s & don’ts of it.. like that I can’t take it with soy.. uh, ok.. I’ve been taking it with soy milk right in front of you the whole time.. My husband & mom pointed out to her everything she’d been doing wrong but she didn’t really want to talk about how she’d been fucking up my medicine, so she just handed over the papers, & did her normal disappearing act.. Though she did walk in as I was having a going home panic attack & I got to yell at her for a second.. that made it kinda worth putting up with her.. & we headed out! I said good bye to my nice student nurse & her teacher as we left, pointedly ignored nurse cunt like she’d been doing to me the whole time I was there, & went to get my prescriptions filled!

I have to say, I looked like shit still & even the old people at the store, on the little power chair cart things look at me with pitty.. my feet still hurt & walking in shoes was awful! When I’d been bit by the dog the pharmacy rushed my stuff so I didn’t have to wait, but this time they just took their sweet time.. fuck dude.. the dog bit hurt less! But none the less, we had to kill an hour.. & I hobbled my ass around to store, glaring at any old person on a power chair that gave me the sad look, like “damn girl, you need to sit down, why you walking?” one man even turned around because he’d taken the last one at the door.. I was honestly pretty bummed, the one time I could use one & they were all in gone.. damn old people..  my husband offered to push me in the cart & I really thought about it, but decided it would hurt too much to climb in.. I also thought to myself I was stupid to have not made them give me another dose of painkillers before I’d left the hospital.. finally my script was filled & we could go!

My mom had set up the pull out bed in the living room for my aunt Deb when she’d stayed the night so I just plopped down there & set up camp. Since hubby had to go back to work, I was staying with my mom. I asked if someone would make me a grilled cheese.. & nobody would.. It made me miss room service.. a lot.. I even tried to pull the cancer card.. but neither my mom nor husband would cook for me.. but it worked on my little brother, so it was worth it! Though he didn’t make me a grilled cheese, but he made me something, so I can’t complain! I usually hurt a lot at night so I heavily drugged myself & prepared for my first night sleeping at home!

Around 4 am I woke up in pain, like I’d been hit by a car type pain, & woke my mom up for more pillows.. she said it was ok to wake her up, I asked her later if it was ok to have done, & she laughed about it.. I really didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with my needs..

For breakfast she made me pancakes (not as good as the hospital but don’t tell her, because I’ll take free food even if it’s not that good, & as long as I don’t have to make it) & I drugged myself for the day! I mostly slept the day away & had alarms set for medication times. I did my pre evening painkillers routine & even made myself a grilled cheese! Well making it I was roaring like a dinosaur (I like painkillers, they make cooking really fun!). My little brother came RUNNING into the kitchen to save me because apparently my dinosaur sounded like it was in major pain & he thought I needed saved.. it was pretty funny, definitely something I’ll never forget!

My mom described me as “the bride of Frankenstein” because I was still all stiff, my left foot still hurt so I was walking lopsided, & still had bandages on my neck & shoulder.. Taking a real shower for the first time was awful! I even had to have my mom come in & help me wash.. It was a fucking work out just to take a “quick shower”! I felt like someone had kicked my ass, I even cried in there from how stressfully difficult it was to wash myself. It made me feel like shit, I’m 22.. 22 year olds don’t need their mom to help them take a shower.. but then when it was all over & I was clean, back in bed, I felt way better! Being clean is always a good feeling! By the end of the first week I was pretty annoyed that I still hurt, was stiff, & couldn’t walk right (thanks to my left foot). Though showering was not as bad & I could do it all by myself again!

Now I should mention something not fun that I was never told.. pooping.. it’s awful! It hurt to go.. the term “shitting bricks” would be the best description for how it felt.. nobody told me I should take stool softeners with all of the pain killers & calcium, but I’ll be nice & tell you, so you don’t have to find out, quite literally, the hard way!

Around the week & a half point was when I was in less pain & could almost walk like a normal person again! My sister came to see me too, & got me lunch! She put it best when she said people probably thought I was to fragile to leave the house.. so she decided to help set me free for the day! It was fun!

On Valentine’s Day I had my after surgery fallow up appointment, with the surgeon, to get my full surgery report. He informed me that he for sure did not get everything in the surgery but not to worry.. & by now, I really didn’t worry, just felt annoyed that I still had so much shit left on my to do list.. that really just meant I had even more waiting to go before I could go back to a normal “healthy” life..

My husband & I went out to see a play that night! It was a lot of fun! My thyroid medicine was making me feel like a person! I had energy & could almost walk right again! In the next few weeks, I had to meet with endocranolagest about my lack of thyroid, need of lifelong medication, upcoming scans/tests, & where they also told me I had to take major precautions against getting pregnant (everyone was telling me this.. it still doesn’t make it any better) they also talked to me about how I’d have to get off my temporary thyroid medicine in a few weeks & told me how much life would suck without any thyroid medication. But I just decided to forget about everything & just enjoy the time I had feeling well! It was awesome! But I still had a down day when I had to look into birth control.

I’d gone off my birth control in April since I was married & we were trying to start our little family. I’d gotten pregnant but lost it & really wanted to get back to trying again, then found out about the cancer so it sadly had to take a back seat, as I’ve been told over & over again, for the next two years.. I kept thinking how unfair it was. I shouldn’t have to be looking for birth control.. I should be trying for a family! But I have to be safe & not get pregnant right now. So fucking unfair. My body had let me down in such a hard way, I can’t even tell you how upsetting it is.

When it came time to get off my medication in preparation for my next treatment I felt moody but that was about it. Until I got a kidney infection (last week, that would be why I’m a week behind..) then I felt like I was dying! But antibiotics are awesome & my kidneys are fine. So now we’re all up to date on shit & you know what’s been going on up till now!

Today I’m getting my full body scan to see just what we’re working with, since they only scanned my neck before only to see the lumps & bumps went on past what they’d looked at. So now we’re as always, BACK TO WAITING!!!

Waiting on the pharmacy to get my birth control in order, waiting on my scans to come back & have them tell me just where & what we’re dealing with, waiting on an official date for my radiation capsule treatment, & waiting to get back on thyroid medication!

I sure hope I don’t get cancer from all these X-rays & radiation exposure.. ;)

(p.s. I dont have time to figure out the pictures before I get shoved into a tube. sorry)