Moving forward from looking back on my life

Well, its 4:10am & I can’t sleep so I’ll start this week’s post…..

Oh! I know! I was going to tell about myself.. or, well, my old self.. like before my health went crazy & I started to sleep a lot & had no energy & I had to see doctors & get tests done every week & well.. all the stuff going on right now..

I was an extreme couponer, like the crazy ladies you saw on the show, only I’ve grown up in a family doing it so, it was never really a need “need” but more of a hobby if you will.. like something to do that helped myself, family, friends, & homeless living things of both two & four legs.. so, that is where the “ready for the Zombie Apocalypse” & the fact that my body kinda crapped out on energy from “the cancer bomb” comes from.. anywho, I had a stock pile.. I also forget that most people don’t have one in their house.. but really, everyone should!!! Okay, maybe not everyone.. but most everyone should! It turned out to be a good thing too, because when my energy dropped & I quit grocery shopping, we still had enough food & toilet paper to make it thru till my husband got his job back & could afford to just sale shop without all of my wonderful coupons to help (we made it almost three months!!! Go me..). I still have more cleaning supplies, air fresheners, & BBQ sauce then I know what to do with.. & an entire cupboard for just for coffee, peanut butter, & jelly…. I love PB&J’s & thankfully that stuff has a very long shelf life!

I had a subscription to the Sunday paper, then even after that was gone, I still got the Sunday paper from the store every week! Then I feel a month behind on clipping out coupons & looking at the sales adds.. so I quit getting the paper because I saw no point in wasting it.. I just didn’t have the energy to clip the coupons & find the sales & match up what coupons would double where to get whatever was free & all that jazz. I just wanted to curl up & sleep. Looking back now, I don’t really know how I didn’t find that very concerning, but then when all I really wanted to do was sleep, I suppose I wasn’t thinking about that..

 Lesson learned

Solution:

FAMILY & FRIENDS!!

If this ever happens again,

Please,

Be concerned!

Tell me!

I’ll be too sleepy to think of it myself!!

Thank you!

Moving on.

I really like staying in my old room. I have all of my art, strange stuff, & posters hanging from the ceiling & walls still. It has been very re inspiring to me. I used to paint, make things, decorate, & dress up. I’d been getting old & boring. Now I’m still old & boring, but I want to go back to school & work on my art & business goal so I can someday open my own tattoo shop! (quite possibly far, far away from here.. I hate this yuppie town of overpaid boring people.. or more interesting people just need to take over this town? I do love the Alden B. Dow house & all of our art history.. I’m just not really fond of the asshole people that want this to be like Stepford wives & shit) my room is very reflective of me. The bed looks like a small child might sleep in it. There is an overflowing pile of stuffed pigs at the foot of the bed. I have a sesame street comforter & a pink fairy pillowcase, when that’s in the wash I have an owl woodland set from Target that did, as a matter of fact, come from the children’s bedding section. There are a few throw pillows of Jack Skelington’s head & a random ghost.. I collect Halloween stuff, so there are bats hanging from the ceiling (from my “sweet 17” birthday/moving out celebration, random fact!) & in my blanket covered window.. There are over a hundred dried roses all together, everywhere you look you’ll see a bouquet of them! I find them prettier dead & preserved then alive. Everything has to die at some point, I think they help me remember that. I have pictures collages of my siblings, nephew, then boyfriend/now husband, & ME!! Almost every picture is with me or just of me, by myself. I kinda love myself, I get it from my dad, though lately I don’t want to look at my sad, bloated, foreign self. I’d rather just remember how I looked. Then, when I’m all better, admire the “new me” if you will. So it works out to be surrounded by all of my old pictures. My husband isn’t like me at all. He finds my taste in the strange & “abnormal” (god, I hate that term.. who gets to say what is normal?) rather, well, just that: strange & abnormal… but to me, this is normal! This is what I love. This is what I need to feel alive & inspired! Not sick, pale green walls, a high ceiling, & multiple uncovered windows to let in more light. No! That, to me, is awful!!!

In high school I took interior design. I really liked that class.. the teacher wasn’t fond of me.. I still have all of my stuff from the class in my art binder of random things I’ve drawn over the years. There are also clothing designs I made way back when too. Super hero sketches. More shredded hearts then mentally healthy (my favorite painting is of one of my shredded hearts, but I made it in middle school so I really need to hurry up & paint a new one.. it’s been ten years since I painted that one) & a few drawings of bats.

I really like bats. I feel they are misunderstood. Its more often you hear about a bird attacking someone for their food then you do about a bat trying to kill someone.. but people are more afraid of the bats.. also, Rabies, cats & dogs can get rabies too & so can people! So HA! Bats are fucking awesome. Female bats have been seen giving male bats a blow job during sex. Yeah! They like sex too! Bet you didn’t know that! A male dog will just hump whatever wherever! But people still like them!! Now, don’t get me wrong, I like dogs too, even after getting bit in the face by one, I still love dogs. Just not male dogs, but then, I’ve never been fond of male dogs, so really nothing has changed about my feelings towards dogs.

I had a dog. Her name was Misty. She was hit & killed the morning after Valentine’s day last year. Just two weeks after I’d got bit in the face. & if anyone was wondering, I asked that the dog that bit me not get killed, & is alive to this day, because I would never want someone to ask for my dog to be killed. Not sure how Karma fucked that one up, but that’s life, & it sucks. I really miss my dog. The person that hit her didn’t even stop, just kept driving, like nothing happened. The only thing I’ve ever hit with my car was a deer & where I live, it happens far to often. But still, I stopped my fucking car & made my husband come make sure the poor thing wasn’t just laying there suffering!!! Then over the summer I spent three hours going door to door with a lost dog I saw running in the same spot on the road that I’d hit the deer (& stupid people honking at it, like the dog was supposed to understand what they meant with their horns.. people are fucking stupid. Dogs don’t drive cars.. they don’t understand what the damn horn is for..) Again, really not sure how Karma fucked that one up.. but since finding out I have cancer, I remembered something. Misty had cancer, she got this huge lump in her tongue & we had it cut out. She licked her stitches out & people were always freaked out by my dogs tongue.. They’d tell me “I think your dog bit its tongue, there’s a chunk missing”.. No shit, it’s not bleeding all over the place, obviously its healed, I’m fully aware she is missing some of her tongue, she had cancer.. but thanks none the less.

When I first found out about my cancer I remember thinking I’d like to just go die alone under the porch, like the good old family dog would.. Not bother anyone else with this.. let nature take its course & let everyone else keep living, unaware of what was wrong. Then I remembered Misty, not that I’d forgotten her in less than a freaking year! I mean I remembered that she’d had cancer before & that we’d found a new lump on her back leg, that we’d scheduled to have removed in just a few weeks. I think she knew I had cancer too, (dogs know that kinda shit, I know, odd that they know that kinda shit, but not what a car horn means..) so instead of bothering us with herself, she just went for a walk & stepped out in front of traffic. I know how it all went down since there was snow on the ground & I could literally retrace her last journey to the end of her life, but not figure out just why she’d done it.. It’s a shitty thought to have.

 I’d have rather spent thousands of dollars I didn’t have on getting her cancer taken care of & find out I also have to spend thousands of dollars I still don’t have on myself getting my cancer care, over her killing herself only to still find out that I have cancer. I really miss her. I sat out in the snow for a few hours with her that day I had the thought. She’s buried under her favorite tree in the back yard here. Maybe Karma didn’t have anything to do with her death. Maybe it was just Misty’s way of trying to look out for me, like the good old family dog she was. I really wish I didn’t have cancer. I often wonder how my doctors (yes, multiple doctors as in the one I’d had as a teen, then my new doctor I got as an “adult”) missed that large of a mass growing in my neck for that long… Maybe Misty wouldn’t have gone for her last walk. I fucking hate my doctor.. I hated her before all of this & I hate her even more now. & it wasn’t even her that got alarmed & came to the obvious conclusion of me needing to go get all the testing either, it was her nurse. Her nurse, that filled out my monthly charts when I came in.. She pulled my doctor aside & had to tell the fat bitch to address an obvious problem going on with me.

I need to change the subject since I’m getting to upset by that one. I’m looking forward to this all being just another bad memory. Over time, compressing it down until it’s forgotten. Well, not forgotten, I have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of my life, so obviously it will be a daily reminder of this all, but maybe like getting bit by the dog. Thinking back on it now, just a little over a year later I can’t remember the pain like it was. I know it hurt like fuck, but when I think about it, my face doesn’t hurt, just at the simple thought alone. I see the scar every day. Just under my left eye. I don’t mind it. It’s a part of my face now, nothing to hide or cry over. Just part of my life’s road map, of how I got this far. I have one on my neck now too, where my thyroid once was. It’s better off gone. It didn’t work right anyway (lol). So I guess I look forward to getting back to moving on with my life. Going back to school so I can open my kick ass tattoo shop, working on my sewing skills so I can make cute baby stuff, getting all my shit in order so when its “safe” for my husband & Me to try having kids again I’ll have accomplished a lot with my life & can be a stay at home crunchy mom, fighting for the planet & cloth diapering my home water birthed, breast fed babies. After all, Misty would tell you, I’m an awesome mom!

It is now 7:20am so with that I’ll simply say Good morning!