I had a blog way back when MySpace was around for three years, like 5+ years ago, but I'd post about fun shit like moving to Canada or what body part I was thinking of getting pierced next.. I may never let another needle touch me again by the time this is all over.. anywho.. we'll get this all started up & going!
Last year, January 22nd to be exact, I got bit in the face by a dog & landed my bleeding, pretty little face in the ER with ugly, makeup streaked, snot & blood drenched rags holding my open face shut.. I received stitches & had to go to doctor appointments & surgeon appointments non stop for the next 6 months to monitor everything & make sure I wouldn't hate my face I guess.. (I'm cool with my scars, they're a road map of my life). during this time I decided, for whatever unintelligent or as I see now really intelligent reason, to get on medication for my worsening ADD.. I had a lot (hahaha.. I laugh at that now..) on my mind from the dog bite & was getting in trouble at my job for not doing what I was told due to forgetting everything in my crazy jumbled up mind.. we'll skip the stupid testing & get to me on my ADHD medicine.. I went in to see my doctor to do a "are the meds working?" checkup & my resting heart rate was 140 average beats per minute.. I don't speak doctor & didn't know what was wrong with that.. I mean, I'd been a little light headed & felt like I'd run a marathon by the end of work.. but still, I had focus , was doing everything right, & best of all, my boss was happy with my performs, what on earth could be wrong? doctor made me go off my new, amazing, life improving ADHD medicine & told me to come back in a week & see where my rate was at..
Next week I came in with my head held high & thoughts of getting back on my ADHD, ready to get my doctors okay to get back on them! average beats per minute: 120.. shit.. she informed me I'd have to get a blood test done "JUST TO BE SAFE" & see if something was going on.. *sigh*
FF: I go in to get my blood test results! well, bad news.. something is wrong with my thyroid count (again, I don't speak doctor) & I have to get yet ANOTHER blood test to double check.. *grr*
I'll skip the small shit & get to the next part.. I had to be on a 24 hour heart monitor to make sure it wasn't my heart, it wasn't.. then the ultrasounds & scans.. oh the ultrasound.. I had one, then had to take a radiation contrast capsule & get put in a big machine.. then the biopsy was up next..
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....oh the fucking ultrasound.. that stupid machine that showed across the surgeons face before he'd even cut me just what I had..
I went in on December 27th for a simple fucking biopsy & had my head still held hing that it was no big deal, that I'd just have to get some easy thing done then I could go back to my normal ass life.. *sigh* if only
Surgeon comes in, enplanes what he'll be doing to me & tells me he'll have a feel & take a peek at what he has to biopsy with the ultrasound then just a little snip & I could rest easy knowing it was nothing! (dear doctor, YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME!! love Christina) he felt my neck & had a different doctor come in to feel it too, weird but whatever, okay.. then he has me lay down for the god damned ultrasound & looks at the thyroid.. & I can see on his face, hear in his voice, feel in his changed touch.. something bad.. very bad.. is flashing on the screen back from inside my neck.. & my husband.. oh god.. my husband.. he works in a hospitle.. he knows what he is looking at too.. I feel like a kid again.. nobody tells me anything.. but unlike being a kid.. I know the ugly side of life.. I know what the possibility are.. STOP THINKING!! STOP THINKING!! nobody has said the word... we're just looking at a few lumps & bumps.. nothing else.. come back, clear that thought from my head.. then the biopsy was next but they decided to take an extra one of my lymph nodes too because something didn't look right with them.. no big thing.. right?
the 28th.. I get a voice mail from the office saying the results had come back & they'd found something concerning so I have an appointment to come in for the results on the 3rd..
my world stopped & I knew with out them saying the words, all over again, from that fucking ultrasound
for my friend's & family's sake I once again put the thought to the back of my head, where I'd go over it again & again in privet, with my positive thinking husband sleeping next to me.. I just stuck with the same term as before, telling them the latest news of my unimportant lumps & bumps, well I came to terms with knowing before anyone said the word that I, at 22 years of age, have cancer
my mom forced me to let her come with me on the 3rd & I finally gave just so I wouldn't be the one that had to tell her.. I'd be lieing if I said I too didn't play with the delusion that it wasn't, couldn't be cancer.. but I'd also been coming to terms with what I was there to be told & damn skippy I was right.. I held a straight face thru it all.. my moms horrified askings, the doctor informing me I'll have to get another scan just to look at my neck & that I'll have surgery to remove my thyroid, forcing me to rely on medicine for the rest of my life, & that he'd be dissecting my neck to clean out "all" the lymph nodes (dear doctor, YOU FUCKING LIED AGAIN! love Christina) & all the way up to the nurses window to scheduled my scan & surgery.. then I got light headed & felt like I was going to vomit so I sat on the floor, next to the two old, over weight ladies, there for their hypothyroid issues.. I remember thinking how odd I must look next to them.. 22, slim, full of life & just been told I do for sure have cancer.. we decided to have my neck scan done the next day & the surgery on the 30th.
my scan went quick, I'm a pro at all of the doctor shit by now, & I was back to waiting.. days went by, then weeks & I still hadn't gotten the call about what my scans showed.. then I did & it was so/so.. the infected lymph nodes went well past the scan & I had one fused onto my major artery in there so it be a long surgery but to stay positive.. as passed along by the nurse.. thanks.. bitch.. I could imagine her on the other end, like I'm just another person with an under active or overactive thyroid & she hadn't just added to my nightmare..
back to the waiting..
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