Finding a new job after losing one to cancer

FUCK!!!! I'm trying to get a job so I can fix my car & pay my bills but this is really hard! I find it so hard because I got "discharged" (as the applications so nicely put it) from my last one because of problems I was having that were all caused by my awesome cancer *sarcasm*.. I'm a good worker.. I had the second fastest scans (besides my boss, who'd worked there for, like 10+ years or something like that) & my till was never more then a few cents off, if even at all!  So now I need a job & am having a hard time filling out applications because seeing that section causes me to have a panic attack! But I went thru the cancer treatment so this should be a cake walk! Right? Shit... So now I have to go back to my old job place tomorrow & finally spill the beans on what I've been up to for the last 10 months... but I'm all out of my favorite hair ties anyway & have been thinking about going there for more.. Blah! Why does everything have to cost money?? Goddammit!!! I don't want to go back to that store!! But I need a job.. So it looks like I'm going to see my old boss.. FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

Forgetting things can be harder when you actully try

but then when you want to remember things, you forget, like it wasn't important..

Make sure you do everything for the best reasons & not the worst.. Just an example here, not based on my life or anything but still based on real life events.. Don't date someone because they're over 21 & can get you alcohol since you're still way under age or because they can also get drugs.. Again, not based on my life personally.. Another example pulled straight from real life, but still not me personally... Don't get married with the promise of  a better life & money, like, say for financial aid so you can go to collage since you're still to young & don't make nearly enough to pay for it by yourself & still have to use your parent's info .. yep.. Do things because you love them, because you want what is the very best for your life, & because you know 100% its the right thing to do, also think of what your Mother would say/do if she knew what you were doing (unless you have a care free mom that wold let you kill someone & still not care, if your mom would let you get away with murder then you have a crappy mom..)

I really wish I could forget everything I'm unhappy about.. Its really putting me in a down right fowl mood... Growing up, I really thought being an adult would go a hell of a lot better then this for me. Karma really is a bitch.. Damn... I think its wine time.. That typically helps me forget my problems.. & where my shoes are.. which would be a problem if I wasn't drinking, but when drunk, I won't care! Fuck it!

Misery Loves My Company..

I have a lot on my mind & nobody to talk to about it all.. Somethings are not that bad to talk about like my Grandma's cancer came back or I need a Job so I have Money but I want to go back to school way more then I want a job.. but then some stuff is just too sad & depressing to even talk about.. I just don't know.. I want to run away from my life sometimes. Its nothing like what I'd planed on it becoming when I was a teen. The only thing keeping me going is HOPE.. Hope that this will all pass, Hope that things will get better, Hope that I can still fix all the shit I fucked up & got myself here by doing.. Hope, its like Faith, but without the church like tones & positive "it WILL get better" mindset.. My mom said it best, "Hope for the best, But prepare for the worse". In other words, I'm dreading what I need to do to fix things & really just want to avoid a full start over of my life.. Even though I'm pretty sure that's what I need..

Scars Are Sexy!?..

So I was at a fancy store with my mom the other day. She was getting me clearance (I'm poor but like nice things) sexy red pants & the young guy at the register "asked" about my lovely throat scar. It went something like this:
I place my sexy pants on the register
He looks at the pants, looks me over, & his eyes get big. He blurts out "Holy Crap! Is That A Scar!?!?"
I look at him with a blank stare for a moment then realize what he is asking about & nicely smile at him..
He quickly adds "What Happened!?!"
I tell him "I had My thyroid removed," & add a "because I had cancer.." (as in: you wouldn't ask about a bald woman's head because its safe to assume she had chemo but you still don't ask her)
"Whoa!" & his eyes somehow manage to get even bigger then he kinda gets it & trys to help the original subject of scars "I have a scar right here!" he thrust his arm out & shows me his wrist "Somebody stabbed me at a Halloween party last year!! It almost went right thru!"
I tell him "Nice! I like Halloween!"
Then he starts scanning my pants & I add my scar motto "Scars are just a road map of life"
He stops, thinks about it for a second, nods in liking it, & says "That's a really good way to look at it!"
He also broke the store rules & used somebody elses already used coupon to save us even more money.

My mom is convinced he was hitting on me, because, as she said "guys find scars on a good looking girl sexy!".. Okay, I like my mom's way of thinking, Scars are sexy.. & match my new Sexy red pants! He did have a nice sized scar on the top of his arm.. & nice eyes.
*I Am Happily Married! but its still nice to get hit on & girls hit on my husband all the time! I already told you, I like nice things!

unhappily happy

My husband & I have been spending a lot of time together lately. Its pretty nice, except that nothing gets done or taken care of. If I try to get anything done instead of spending time with him, he throws a tantrum. I've needed my breaks changed for three weeks & he said he'd do it but hasn't gotten farther then taking the tiers off. I don't know why I try to count on other people. it just drives me nuts & ruins my faith in people. I feel trapped. I think my husband likes that I can't get up & go on my own free will. He also keeps telling me I should get my old job back. Fuck that! I want to punch him in the throat whenever he says that. He had a nice job & he quit it. He can go fuck up his life & go nowhere but I am not going back to that shit place. They fired me for missing work because I was sick. They can kiss my ass. My husband may mean well but it still pisses me off that he can't except doing something worth wile with life. I need my car fixed so I can get away from him for a bit. also, I want Ice cream. oh yeah, & I need to call to find out when my next doctor appointment is. I know its soon..

As long as you have something to live for..

I've been thinking a lot lately, since I remember at the start of 2012, I thought that was going to be my year! I'd just turned 21, I was newly married, going off birth control, & had a job I thought I enjoyed.. then the year started & it all went south fast. but this year, 2013, started with the cancer, yet this year has been a hell of a lot better.. I have found a new drive in life. I don't want to just be alive, taking up space & air, I want to live, be someone, live for something! I was going nowhere with life & thought I was moving forward, when really I was going nowhere, doing nothing fast. I have found peace without a cell phone. I enjoy the lack of connection with the outside world. people put to much into nothing & don't even see that they are doing so. they see it as something, but really it is not. before cell phones people didn't act as foolish, people are getting stupid & cell phones are getting smarter. That is backwards! take the time to detach from things, the internet, the media, other peoples pointless life, just go outside! Enjoy the sun! Spend time with your friends, face to face, everyone dies! You never know when the time will be up, but make the most of the time you have before we go back to the earth! If you have something to live for you will live! If you are no longer living, you will die & You can die without even knowing it. You become shut in, doing nothing, affecting nobody, dead to the outside world. working a pointless job where nobody cares about you, someone else could replace you in no time. Make a point to be known, to your friends, to your family!

This is just a start to my theory on life. you find a new drive to live when you have to face the thought of really dieing. not that stage 3 thyroid cancer has a high death rate, but just being told you have cancer will take your mind there, even if you see the information saying that you won't die, you hear cancer & think the worse but its like a cleansing of the mind, it really helps you get your shit in order, you figure out what you did wrong & what you want to do before you die. I made lists, tons of lists. my hopes, my dreams, a bucket list, every kind of list, I made! But now that the treatment is over I must do everything I wrote down! I have to accomplish everything I cried over in order to make up time lost to being sick, working a job I hated, living out life nothing like I wanted to! Call me selfish, but I have to be the me I wanted to be but wasn't for the sake of others! Thankfully I love to help others, so I'm not that selfish! But I will not give up my dreams & goals for someone else to not live out theirs & just waste my time. that, I cannot do! Find something worth living for & you won't have time to care about dieing. Then when you look back on life, you'll be proud & content to die. (side note, I'm not at all close to having everything done on my list so I don't plan on dieing any time soon!)

Shit Happens, a lot, but after everything, it won't bring me down! to much..

So I haven't posted in a while because my laptop crashed & my phone can't post.. oh & I don't have a phone any more but who really needs a phone! Okay, really I hate not having a phone & its only been two days, it sucks! but at least my husband can't blow up my phone all the time when he is mad about nothing & I'm trying to ignore him, best part about not having a phone!

I had my radiation capsule treatment! That was all kinds of untold awful. The people at the hospital forgot to tell me that as well as avoiding people for five days, I'd get a digestive cleans from hell. That shit fucked up my insides. But hey, really! I see no point in mentioning that.. assholes.. I couldn't eat for days, even after I was safe to interact with people. It was not very fun, but hey, shit happens. I got to try & keep from throwing up for a week & had radioactive pee for three days! Plus I got my green card out of everything! (& not the kind that says I'm an American, I was born here) I use it responsibly!

After treatment I got to start taking my thyroid medication again & had to get another full body scan 24 hours after I was "safe". Its like being a piece of paper going thru a scanner (waves of radiation nausea!). Good news is it came back negative! So I'm good! except that I owe the hospital a shit ton of money (like over a grand & that's after my health insurance).... I did pay off my Target credit card with a chunk of my tax return! (it was only $350..) but I'm frickin' broke again & my husband & I are back to always fighting.. so its almost like the cancer never happened! Well, besides the fact that I have to take my thyroid medication... & I have a sexy new scar across my neck.. oh, & I don't have a job.. But I'm content, I love my life, just not being broke & living with people. I hate living with people. they invade my space, mess with my shit, & eat my organic food. I didn't buy a $5 pint of strawberry yogurt so my little brother could eat it.. Lil' Mo'Fo' can get a newspaper delivery job or dip into his weekly allowance savings if he wants to eat fancy organic food! (he is only 11..)

That brings me to my next thing, my little brother keeps getting involved with my husband & my fights.. Its annoying! But I think its because he doesn't want to lose the only male figure in his life. I love that kid, so I won't leave my husband.. but only for my brother.. & the fact that I got my hormones back! But for real, I do love my husband. He does nice things for me, but doesn't act like a grown up.

I married someone 5 years older than me because guys my age are immature & stupid, then I found out its just all guys. Its to bad I'm married & my best friend has a boyfriend & a baby.. not the baby, just the boyfriend.. we could totally have lived together. she has OCD, like me, & tries her best to keep everything clean & organized, like me! Plus her daughter is so cute! I'm cool with having a roommate with such a cute baby!

I planted a Herb & a rose garden at my mom's house last week. I had a hard time when we went shopping for it because it made things feel more permanent then I like. We moved to be a temporary thing, then Hubby quit his job as soon as I got the free & clear (for three months) from the doctors. He was having issues with some of the nurses he worked with but instead of being an adult about it, he just quit like he had some other way to make money. I think it is stupid. Oh well, I'll just go to school & worry about myself, like I always do. People piss me off. I grew up counting on myself & now that I'm married I have a hard time counting on someone else. I'm really bad at it. I prefer to be in total charge of my life & being married is having someone else's life to stress about too, & its nothing like having kids! You can just pick them up if they start to have a melt down in the middle of the store! Though I have learned if I drive there, then he'll keep it together just a little bit better so I don't leave him there.

Another fun thing I did well away from my blog, I got to go see my family this weekend! It was a very nice (!!husband free!!) time! My mom, lil' bro, & I went to see my grandma for mother's day! I drove separate & got to spend an extra night at my grandparent's house, & stopped at my aunt Deb's house to sew on the way home! Only I can't really see at night to drive (I don't want to risk driving in the dark because I've gotten very lucky with my poor driving & have never gotten a ticket *knock on wood* I need to get new glasses this weekend.. my old ones were 6 yrs old & just fell apart on my face well I was driving a few months ago..) & we ended up hanging out for so long I just ended up staying at my cousin Micky's house for the night. I got to meet her new little girl & hang out with her son. It was a lot of fun! OH! & I finally got to see "Hotel Transylvania" in the morning with her & the kids! Sadly I had to head home for another doctor appointment (my surgery fallow up check in thing with the surgeon guy).

He said I'm healing very well, my shoulder & neck muscle strength is "great", I suck at avoiding the sun since I have a ton of energy so I have to put stuff on it (I forgot what the stuff was he said, I'm a good patient like that!), & have been taking my thyroid medicine all wrong (again) but I don't have to see that doctor/surgeon guy again until January 2014! So that's cool! next up is the *NEW* (my old one might have died & I'd only seen him once but he looked rough!) thyroid medicine doctor person in July!

I just keep reminding myself about school sign up so I don't run far far away till July.. yep, life is pretty good right now. I have to go meet with a financial aid hospital person again tomorrow to get help with all of my medical bills so even that isn't bringing me down! That is another cool thing, because I got cancer at 22 & lost my job, the hospital has some sort of financial grant stuff to help me pay my copay bills, cause dis' bitch is broke! Now I just need to figure out how to make money for other stuff like food & gas for my car, oh, & car insurance.. you won't find me riding dirty! & maybe a new phone.. To bad I cant sell my eggs for two years.. apparently nobody wants radioactive eggs.. does that count as discrimination?